1. Intro sessions
IFIO intro session (DK and THB; takes 2-3 wks)
2. Contracting
3. Tracking
- Ask whoever wants to start, to describe the dynamic as they see it
- Mary: ‘Peter always does x’
- Therapist: ‘And when Peter does x, how does it make you feel?’
- Mary: ‘It makes me feel y’
- Therapist: ‘And when you feel y, how do you react?’
- Mary: ‘I react z’
- Therapist: ‘Peter, do you know this behaviour z?’
- Peter: ‘Yes’
- Therapist: ‘And when Mary does z, how does it make you feel?’
- Peter: ‘It makes me feel b’
- Therapist: ‘And when you feel b, how do you react?’
- Peter: ‘I react c’
Notes
- What is the dance their protectors are getting into that is driven by the exiles whose needs are not being met?
- Help the couple understand that they have a repeated pattern.
- This reaction is co-created, it’s not one person that starts it.
Troubleshooting
- The person who has the protector/reaction gets to describe it.
- If partner says that’s not my experience, tell them will come to them in moment.
Xxxto wait for moment, and then ask them (below), do you know that behaviour? And then go into their U turn
4. Reflection and mini-invitation
- Reflect the cycle in summary, ‘Here’s what I’m hearing: Peter – it’s Mary’s opinion that you do x, which makes her feel y, and that causes her to react z. And Mary – Peter’s saying that when you react z, it makes him feel b, so then he does c. Is that right?’
- ‘Well that sounds pretty disconnecting, it sounds like you two are quite far apart when that happens. What if I could help you with this pattern, what if we could do something different?’
Notes
Be full in reflecting, it’s obvious to you but not to them
Troubleshooting
- Peter interrupts:
Peter: I don’t do x, I do xx
Therapist: I get that’s your experience, Peter. I would like to hear your experience, but just for the moment, can I be with Mary?Peter: Mary doesn’t do z, she actually does zz.
- Therapist: And when Mary does zz, how do you feel?
- Peter: It makes me feel b’
5. U-turn
Mary, when Peter reacts that way (z):
- Mary, do you know that reaction z of Peter?
- What do you hear yourself say to yourself about that?
- What happens inside you (physical sensations) when he reacts z?
- What is that physical sensation telling you?
- And then what do you feel like doing or saying to Peter?
- What do you actually end up doing (‘if I was a fly on the wall, what would I see’)?
Then do same steps for Peter
Notes
Slow down a process that normally happens in a flash
Get Mary and Peter to become aware of what is happening inside them that produces their outer reaction
6. Protectors’ hopes and fears
- ‘I’m going to help you out, but I need to get to know these parts a little more’
- Hopes: ‘What was the outcome you were hoping for, what do you think this part was trying to do for you?’
- Fears: ‘This part of you that [reacts in this way], if it didn’t do that, what is it afraid would happen?’ – ‘He would do it again’
- ‘If he does it again, then what’s terrible about that for you?’
- Keep asking ‘…then what?’
- Until the vulnerability/exile surfaces
- Ask ‘Is this familiar for you? From maybe before this relationship, earlier in your life?’
- ‘HDYFT that part of you who had that experience?’
Troubleshooting
If Mary says, ‘My hope is that Peter will stop’, ask Mary, ‘What would that do for you, if Peter stopped? How would it help you feel differently?’
Then go back into U turn
If Mary says, ‘My fear is it will be like in my previous marriage’, ask Mary, ‘Did it happen before then as well?’
But know that the vulnerability is driving the dance.
Find out exactly what the vulnerability means to that person, don’t assume. That will help you touch into those exiles.
Doing this keeps you out of their content
Always use parts language throughout. If client says no to parts, leave it and come back to it in another session.
7. Stitching it back up
- ‘It makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it, you know when you are [exile feeling], it reminds you of that time when [trauma happened], it is no wonder this other part of you [protector] doesn’t ever want that to happen again.
- So this is the only way it knows how to help you [by doing its protective behaviour]. Is this making sense to you?’
Ie reflect it back and put it all together for them.
8. Invitation to do it differently
- When you get really [exile feeling] and it reminds you of the time [when trauma happened], this [protector] part comes up and wants to [behaviour against partner]
- But it’s not really working, is it? It’s not getting the attention you are looking for.
- What if I could help you notice when that’s coming up in you, so that maybe you could not be so flooded or could hang on to yourself when you feel flooded
- So that you could still be there for you, because you know where this is coming from.
- That might give you an opportunity to respond in a whole bunch of other ways. What if you could have more options and choices? Would that be of interest?
Many ways to issue this invitation, but using their specifics is the key.
Protector formed because at that time there was no choice of doing it differently; it wouldn’t have formed if there hadn’t been
9. Courageous communication
Problems and workarounds
- If they won’t go there, don’t push it. Just name it: ‘that sounds painful/scary’.
- Come back to it in another session
- CC: in practice you can set up CC beautifully but couple always start laying into each other. Then you have to go back and xxx work with the parts [???]
- CC: When we have one partner that is still pretty blended with their beliefs and feelings, we need to do individual work with that partner.
- CC: If speaker self-discloses and is not met with mirroring, understanding or acknowledgement —> deep shame and protector adaptation: therapist is ready to do this if partner doesn’t