Connecting with a part

[1] Attuning
  • Take some long, deep, calm breaths and really taking a minute to tune in to them. Feel the cool air coming in, feel your lungs expand and rise on the in-breath
  • Now hold it there for a second and then slowly release the air on the exhale, feel all your muscles relax, your lungs contract, and a warm sensation as warm air leaves your body
  • You are really connecting to the body and the present moment
[2] Making a safe space
  • Take some moments to choose or make a safe space you can engage with the part in – it can be a real place or an imaginary one, indoors or out. Either way, it should feel safe, private and calm – a space where you can comfortably be with your parts
[3] Invite the part you want to work with
  • Now choose a part that needs your attention (let’s call this the ‘Focus Part’ or FP. We will refer to it here as ‘it/its’, but change the pronouns to suit you
  • Invite the FP into your safe space with you
  • See if it feels OK there, and adjust the space to suit it if necessary
  • How do you notice the FP is there? Check how it communicates to get your attention eg through body sensations, emotions or thoughts
  • Let the focus part know that you see it and feel its presence
  • Ask the FP if it can be at a comfortable conversational distance from you, exactly as if you wanted to have a conversation with a real person
  • If it can, then continue by clicking here
  • If there are too many other parts around, all clamouring for attention click here
  • If the FP is too intense or blended with you, go to the next section below.
[3.1] The part feels too intense/blended with you
  • Reassure the FP that it’s totally OK. Take another two deep breaths to allow it to really see and feel you there
  • Let the FP know that you need a little bit of space to really be with it but that you will not leave or abandon it
  • Make a connection between yourself and the FP by giving her a golden thread she can explore, so you can notice how you and it are really connected – and showing it that you do in fact feel everything that it feels
  • Now spend a moment negotiating a safe volume (eg between vol. 1 to 10) or a safe way for you to experience it at
  • Let the FP check that it can still feel you there too
  • Invite any protectors present to notice the agreement. Do they accept it, so they don’t feel the need to take you out of there?
  • If they do accept, click here
  • If they don’t accept, go to the next section below
[3.1.1] The protectors don’t accept the agreement
  • Invite them to stay close by and watch
  • Ask them if they would be willing to extend their trust to you, so that you can work with and help the FP
  • Tell them if they are concerned they can step in at any time and stop you
  • Let them know again that if they give you space to be with the FP, it’s the best way you can all help it to heal
  • Once they do accept, click here
    • [3.2] There are too many parts around, all clamouring for attention
    • Let them know that you will come to help all them, but that you can only work with one at a time
    • Tell them you are going to start with the Focus Part, as that is the part you judge needs to be helped first
    • Ask the other parts if they would be willing to let you do that, on the understanding that you will also come to them soon
    • Once they agree, go to the next section below

    [4] HDYFT the Focus Part?

    Now comes the important question, How do you feel towards the Focus Part? Take a moment to check in with yourself and see what your gut reactions to the FP is

    • Do you feel curious and/or caring towards the FP? If so, click here
    • Do you dislike the FP, or want it to go away? If so, click here
    • Does the FP feel too intense? If so, click here
    • Do you feel you want to help or fix the FP? If so, go to the next section below
    [4.1] If you want to help or fix the Focus Part

    This means another part is present – one that has a good intention, which is to help out. It’s very likely a protector that has stepped in. That’s OK, the protector is welcome – in IFS, all parts are welcome

    • Notice that this part that came in has an intention for the Focus Part
    • Thank the protector for its concern in keeping the FP safe, and reassure it you won’t go any further without its permission
    • Ask the protector if you can try for a moment to bring more harmony and balance to your system. Would the protector be willing to give space so you can be with the Focus Part?
    • If the protector part gives space, click here
    • If the protector is reluctant to give space, click here
    • If the protector is unsure, go to the next section below
    [4.2] If the protector that came in is unsure
    • Thank the protector for its hard work and determination to protect you
    • Let it know that it’s in charge and it can stay right beside you and watch, interrupting at any time if it is concerned
    • If the protector is reassured and agrees to give space, here
    • If the protector is still reluctant to give space, go to the next section below

    [4.2.1] The protector part is reluctant to give space
    • Let it know you see its concern about whether the FP will be safe to engage with you
    • Reassure it that you will always be very careful and respectful of its needs – that you and the protector both want it to feel safe and OK
    • Let it know that you can help it to heal and that the best way for you to do this is if you can have space so it can talk to you
    • Ask the protector if it would be willing to ease back half a step to give space. Reassure it that it can step forward any time it feels necessary
    • When it is ready to give space, click here
    [4.3] You dislike the Focus Part or want it to go away

    This means another part is present, a part that feels critical towards, or wants to reject, the Focus Part.

    • Reassure that part that it’s understandable it should feel that way
    • Let it know that this approach will not get rid of it however – in fact it is only likely to strengthen it
    • Tell it that the best way for the Focus Part to become acceptable to the protector is if the protector is willing to give you space to work with it
    • Ask the protector if it would be willing to give this a try, and assure the protector that it can step back in at any time if it doesn’t feel comfortable with what it is seeing
    • When the protector is ready to give space, click here

    [4.4] The Focus Part is too intense

    Here the FP is carrying a strength of feeling that threatens to overwhelm you and it

    • Ask the FP to keep its feeling and communication with you within a safe band of tolerance, as it will likely find that too much intensity is counterproductive
    • Ask it if it will restrict the information it shows you to a percentage of the total that it feels won’t overwhelm it – say 10% or 20% or whatever feels right
    • Once the FP agrees not to overwhelm, go to the next section below
    [4.4.1] The Focus Part agrees to not overwhelm
    • Thank the FP for agreeing not to overwhelm
    • Then click here

    [4.4.2] The protector agrees to give space
    • Thank the protectors for trusting you and remind them that it can step in at any time

      • Now go to the next section below

    [5] Self is with the part
  • Re-focus on the FP and the experiences that being there with you bring up for it
  • Give the FP as much time as is needed to tell you all the things it wants you to know and also to note if there are things that are too much for it right now
  • When it feels you got it all, ask it if there’s anything else it would like to add. Does it feel fully understood by you now?
  • When it’s done that, you might want to just spend some time with it – as long as it needs
  • Invite the FP to ask you what it needs from you, eg a small token to remind it that you are here despite everything it’s been going through on its own, and you will come back to it. Or a golden thread that connects it to you. Or perhaps a golden blanket to wrap itself in. Or it could be something else that seems right
  • Once the FP feels OK, thank it for its trust and courage in sharing with you. Let the FP know that you will come back to it and attend to its needs as soon as possible
  • Check in with the protector (or any other parts) that showed up and see if they saw what happened with the Focus Part
  • Thank them for giving space and say goodbye to them for now too
[6] Closing
  • Reconnect again to a few deep, mindful breaths
  • Connect with all the bodily sensations of those breaths
  • Slowly come back to your present surroundings and take a few moments to notice them
  • If it feels right, shake out your body, massage your face and arms etc