Intro
Last time we met we got to know each other and did the groundwork of our plan to work together. I explained what IFIO is, and how:
- we see that each person is made up of different parts that are like members of your inner family, with relationships and conflicts between them
- some parts are organised to protect other parts that are vulnerable or wounded
- we usually aren’t aware of these parts in our daily life
- our own inner parts can unconsciously run up against the inner parts of our partner and unintentionally cause all kinds of problems
- in IFIO we invite you to become aware of this ‘inner parts dynamic’ between you and your partner
- I will point out that a part of you is not all of you , even though it might at that moment seem so
I also told you that:
- your couples work is confidential, as is anything either of you might tell me individually, outside of the couples work
- in this work together I will not favour one or the other of you, but rather I will be on ‘both your sides’
- I will go back and forth between you
- I will often pause you as you speak
- I will constantly be reflecting back to you what I see going on and which parts might be present
- although you may be keen to get going quickly, I will slow things down so we can see everything more clearly
- I am holding space for you and all your parts to feel comfortable and safe in this work
- I would like you to please ask me at any time during the session if you have any questions or aren’t sure of something or you don’t feel OK for any reason
- I agree to respectfulness and get explicit permission from couples before work, to pause them in name of therapy.
Invite couples to talk about difficult issues in a different way
Contract to be their parts detector
Say you will help them
Say you will slow down or stop interaction if parts overwhelm
Say you will listen to both in turn
Contract to interrupt if necessary
Invite couple to negotiate who will speak first
‘You might hear some things about your partner that don’t feel true, but remember that your partner’s experience of you is not the truth about you. But everyone’s entitled to their experience.’
If things get heated, may have to ask them to talk to you only, not to each other