Listening skilfully
Listener is invited to
- Unblend and be emotionally available
- Check for protectors, esp around the heart, and soften them
- Track
- Breathe and notice their heart
- Express fears
- Ask for help if having trouble staying present
- Notice parts who might not want to listen
- Breathe deeply
- Listen to their partner’s experience without reacting
- Wait before responding
- Be aware that partner’s feedback is not an objective truth
- Consider the truth in what their partner is saying rather than disagreeing or self-attacking
- Ask what about this rings true and what doesn’t?
- Be aware that a vulnerable part lies underneath partner’s reactive behaviour
- Listen with curiosity and then speak for their parts with Self-energy
- Let them know you are there to intervene if necessary
- Ask listener to reflect back essence of what they are hearing; Or
- Therapist asks: does any of this make sense? If so, what? Or;
- Can you respond from your heart?
If listener disrespects speaker during CC
- Most dangerous situation in IFIO, one partner lays exile on table and starts crying and other partner is shrugging and rolling eyes. That is dangerous, you stop it immediately and name it, a vulnerability in the room.
- Go back to contract, saying we agreed and am holding you to that, when there is… I agree to respectfulness and get explicit permission from couples before work, to pause them in name of therapy: ‘I am not stopping you to annoy you, but we had agreement, in name of therapy, when you get activated and maybe make some faces that cold land in partner like are not interested, then that can land v painful in partner.
- Then turn to partner, validate state exile is in.
’Peter, when you pulled that face, want to ask you to turn inside and bring attention to it [firedrill].’ - But when P’s part doesn’t react, I say P we had a contract and that was around respecting each other, being kind to each other while we were in this room,in order to not inflict traumatic injuries to each other. Has that changed P, does anything need to change in this room
- P might say yeah she put me down so much 5 minutes ago
Then you say, P I apologise, I missed that, you have a part that feels you were put down and this is your retaliation, is that right? I’m sorry I missed that, next time that happens, if I miss it, please let me know.’
Speaking skilfully
Speaker is invited to:
- Take time to understand their parts; unblend and speak for parts
- Bring attention to what feelings or parts are most present
- Begin with awareness and unblending – what needs to happen inside to be able to speak for parts rather from them.
- Check if their system is ready to explore vulnerable feelings/needs
- If not, ask therapist to explore concerns that came up
- Ask partner if they are available to listen
- Consider their own goals before speaking – what outcome do they want?
- Speak for activated parts from Self
- Say what happens inside them when relating with partner
- Be aware that they are speaking about their own experience, not objective reality